Monthly Archives: December 2009

Dec
30

Gimme Moore, Gimme Moore

Part 3 of 3

By Katie Kieffer

Image credit: johnmariani.com

A clever way to convert a liberal is to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar and then make him think it was his idea to pull it out. This was my approach to wooing Michael Moore to the right and also serving world-class cuisine to my New Year’s Eve guests.

Michael Moore’s physique sends the message that he’s a man who knows a thing or two about food. That’s why I asked him to be the chef for the gastropub within my New Year’s Eve party. At first, he balked, saying, “Katie, your address is 1776 Capitalist Curve! My fans would pronounce anathema on me if I graced your doorway!” Continue reading

Posted in Economy, Humor | 1 Comment

Dec
29

Mixing a Bernanktini

Part 2 of 3

By Katie Kieffer

Image credit: DiscoverMagazine.com

I always invite TIME Magazine’s “Person of the Year” to my New Year’s Eve Party. Since TIME‘s award winner is typically a liberal or a misguided moderate, my hospitality affords me the opportunity to “convert” the recipient. 2009′s winner was Fed Chairman, Ben Bernanke.

Calculating conservative woman that I am, I asked Bernanke if he would not only attend the party but also be my bar’s lead mixologist.
Continue reading

Posted in Economy | 4 Comments

Dec
24

Missing family at Christmas

By Katie Kieffer

Papa Chuck laughs at the tiny fish he caught. He threw it back, of course.

The holidays can seem difficult and sad if you have recently lost a loved one. Christmas is a time of traditions and celebrations that include spending time with family. So, when one of the most important people in your life is suddenly gone, Christmas seems like it’s missing something.

This year, I lost three grandpas. Both my Grandpa Rick and my Papa Chuck (or “Chucky Wucky” as Grandpa Rick nicknamed him) passed away. My family’s dear hockey friend, “Grandpa Schmitz,” also left us. These men were all important to me as mentors, supporters and role models. Now they are gone, and their absence is real. Continue reading

Posted in Personal | 1 Comment

Dec
17

‘Barefoot Burglar’ could be CIA’s Justin Bieber

By Katie Kieffer

Self portrait of Colton Harris-Moore via stolen digital camera

When Usher discovered 15-year-old talent sensation, Justin Bieber, he took him under his wing and helped him use his vocal talents to rise to a star. Likewise, when there’s a superstar teen burglar roaming the country that the cops can’t catch, perhaps the CIA should consider bringing him into its posse.

18-year-old Puget Sound native, Colton Harris-Moore, known as the “Barefoot Burglar” to his nearly 10,000 Facebook® page fans, lives in the woods and is adept at slipping in and out of luxury. However, unlike the Salahi peacocks, who ignore the law in hopes of drawing attention to their salon-enhanced physiques, rugged Harris-Moore does whatever he wants while lurking in the shadows. Continue reading

Posted in Entertainment & Culture, National Security | Comments Off

Dec
16

Santa’s got mail!

Art by Amie Kieffer

Copyright by Amie Kieffer. Continue reading

Posted in Humor | 2 Comments

Dec
15

Why banks need Snuggies

By Katie Kieffer
Image credit: http://tinyurl.com/ycgjty4

Black and blue is the new red in banking. If you’re a bank, all you want these days is a Snuggie™. Daddy Fed and Mommy Treasury are becoming downright abusive with the spanking paddle. If there were a Bank Protection Services agency it would be full of cases.

Spanking’s merits are debatable for children who are too young to be reasoned with, but woe to the person who spanks an unruly teenager thinking that they will teach them a lesson. The “lesson” will yield strong resentment toward the spanker – not docile obedience. Continue reading

Posted in Economy | Comments Off

Dec
11

Cheerleaders banned next?

By Katie Kieffer

Image credit: http://tinyurl.com/yb9lrq3

If you never thought your government would stomp into your living room and tinker with the football channel, well, think again. As I warned in “Leave football alone!” and ESPN predicted, Uncle Sam thinks he should control sports as well as health care, the economy and the climate. This week, the House passed a bill that – if approved by the full committee and the Senate – would force college football to switch from the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) system to a playoff system. Continue reading

Posted in Sports | 2 Comments

Dec
10

2 words Yule be wise to share

By Katie Kieffer

Image credit: http://tinyurl.com/ybgm24a

If you have a reputation for being the life of the party, you can protect it at upcoming corporate holiday functions, ugly sweater parties and other eggnog raisers by announcing your fashionably late entrance with this phrase: “Merry Christmas!”

Studies infer that you’ll annoy more people by saying “Happy Holidays” than “Merry Christmas,” so listen to science and forget the PC jargon. Continue reading

Posted in Entertainment & Culture | 6 Comments

Dec
02

In Palin’s ring, Pacquiao style

By Katie Kieffer

Image credit: http://tinyurl.com/yle7ape

I’ve decided to give a fresh perspective on the energetic wave called Sarah Palin that’s sweeping our country by showcasing the opinions of her loudest bashers, haters and tomato-tossers. I think letting elite liberals speak for themselves has two benefits:

1.) Their criticisms are quite humorous and often do more harm than good to their own agendas.

2.) Hidden within their emotional, bitter criticisms are occasional “gems.” These are points that are worthy of consideration and debate. Continue reading

Posted in Free Speech, Humor | 3 Comments