Part 3 of 3

By Katie Kieffer

A clever way to convert a liberal is to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar and then make him think it was his idea to pull it out. This was my approach to wooing Michael Moore to the right and also serving world-class cuisine to my New Year’s Eve guests.

Michael Moore’s physique sends the message that he’s a man who knows a thing or two about food. That’s why I asked him to be the chef for the gastropub within my New Year’s Eve party. At first, he balked, saying, “Katie, your address is 1776 Capitalist Curve! My fans would pronounce anathema on me if I graced your doorway!”

I responded, “Michael, I can appreciate your concerns. I’ll let you sleep on it. Why don’t you meet me tomorrow morning for breakfast and we can chat about menu ideas? I know of a little hole-in-the wall place where the paparazzi never goes. Plus, they serve the most delicious pigs in blankets.” (I knew from Michael Moore’s penthouse celebration of his film, Capitalism, A Love Story, that he loves pigs in blankets – and he eats them by the tray.). That was all I needed to say. Moore stammered, “Pigs in blankets? No paparazzi? I’ll see you there, KT.”

While it was fairly easy to get Moore to show up for breakfast, converting him to capitalism required more intellectual skill. I ordered a large triple expresso and prepared for a rigorous debate.

Moore: Mmmmm. You were right, Katie. These pigs in blankets are out of this world! Now, what were we going to talk about again, my movie? Have you seen it?

Katie: I’m here to ask you to be my chef at my famous New Year’s Eve Party. We’re discussing the menu. It’s you or Martha Stewart. You wouldn’t want a capitalist tycoon like Stewart to up you in the kitchen, now would you?

Moore: What’s in this for me? In one sentence tell me why I should do this.

Katie: Because I’m giving you access to an untapped market for your brand, Michael: My friends – mostly conservative and all connected.

Moore: Well, IF I did this, I would want to cook “socialist sliders” for your guests.

Katie: Sliders are a good idea! The only challenge with calling them “socialist sliders” is that sliders are served individually. Everyone “owns” their burger. So, technically – to make “socialist”  appetizers – you’d make one gigantic slider and everyone would have to share it.

Moore: Wonderful! Sharing is a good thing!

Katie: Sharing is a good idea in the sandbox, but not always in the real world.

1. If guests have to share the slider, then, shouldn’t they be “pure” socialists and share all the appetizers? But, that would mean you couldn’t have your individual tray of pigs in blankets like you did at your Capitalism, A Love Story party this September in Manhattan.
2. Sharing food is unsanitary. Furthermore, the World Health Organization just announced that H1N1 lingers and should be monitored for another six to twelve months.
3. If everyone is sharing one burger, people will get mad because they won’t get to choose their own toppings. Some people hate pickles or mushrooms or tomatoes. Others are allergic to cheese. It’s better to give them their own individual burgers and a boatload of toppings to choose from. They’ll be in a better mood and more receptive to hearing your socialist ideas.

Moore: I can’t argue with any of what you just said. No way is anyone taking the mayo off my burger!

Katie: I will give you this: You can put your sign, “Capitalism did this!,” on top of each of the sliders. Get your assistant to print off mini signs and attach them to toothpicks…Talk about free marketing!

Moore: Wow, Katie, I can’t believe you’re letting me advertise to your friends like this.

Katie: Well, really, you’re just advertising for the benefits of capitalism, so I’m totally fine with it. You could never put that sign on your “socialist slider,” which no one would want to eat anyway.

Moore: “Uh, I’ll have to hear the rest later, Katie…” (as he intently stuffed the last blanketed piggy in his mouth and made a cell phone call to his assistant). “Hey, Eleanor! Yeah, so I’m going to need you to make about 500 mini “Capitalism did this!” signs and affix them to toothpicks. … Thanks, I love you. You’re the best!”

Katie (thinking to myself): Capitalist sliders served by the Supreme Hater of Capitalism himself at my New Year’s Eve party! Britney Spears will be singing “Gimme Moore, Gimme Moore” after she tastes these whoppers!

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