By Katie Kieffer

Angels from Raphael's Sistine Madonna.

Italian prodigy, Raphael, once painted two angels in the Sistine Chapel. This angelic pair has celebrity status if you consider how often they are photographed by the art world’s paparazzi of art connoisseurs and entrepreneurs. Political historians like myself surmise that these cherubs are also known as “Stupid Cupid” and “Smart Cupid.” Ideally, you want to be hit by Smart Cupid on Valentine’s Day. This will be difficult, since Stupid Cupid had a red hot 2009.

If there are trophies for bad romance, then Stupid Cupid has a shelf full of hardware. I’m proud to announce that I discovered Stupid Cupid’s top eight trophies, or victories, from 2009. I’ve mentioned them all on my blog before, and I thought you might like me to line them up neatly in the trophy case for you to see:

1. Sheldon Adelson. His reckless lust to build luxurious, Vegas Strip-style real estate – without regard for the market – overwhelmed his common sense and destroyed his massive fortune. He’s a mini mirror of Washington’s impetuous spending that has driven the U.S. into recession.
   

   Sheldon Adelson. Getty Images.

2. Sen. Ben Nelson. Sen. Nelson was a sucker for sweet-talker, Stupid Cupid, when he appeared in the form of a big-time health care bribe from Washington.
   

   Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE). Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images

3. Michael Moore. You’ll remember that the Kieffer Sisters busted Moore hypocritically drooling over capitalism. In 2009, Stupid Cupid lit Moore’s fire for a capitalism-bashing blockbuster, so Moore hides his current love affair with capitalism from his liberal fans. No more invitations to my New Year’s Eve parties, Moore, until you become transparent and admit that capitalism made you successful.
   

   Michael Moore unveils 'Capitalism' at the Venice Film Festival, 2009. Getty Images.

4. Dan Rooney. Stupid Cupid threw Rooney a pass and Rooney ran for a touchdown, scoring Presidential photo ops, the Ambassadorship to Ireland and free political advertising in return for throwing NFL owners, coaching applicants and fans under the bus.
   

   Steelers' owner Dan Rooney Sr. walks with President Obama during 2008 campaign. Image: Andy Starnes/Post-Gazette.

5. Terry O’Neill. Ms. O’Neill presides over the not-so-secret society of bitter women, NOW, so she was quick to take the bait when Stupid Cupid suggested she declare Tim Tebow’s courageous Super Bowl ad a promotion of “violence against women.”

   

6. Tiger Woods. Apparently Stupid Cupid whispered, “Trophy wife, trophy life!” into Woods’ ear so often that it literally went to his head. Woods began to think he could develop a feline’s multitudinous life span by adding more trophy women to his life.
   

   Tiger Woods smiles with Australian Masters trophy. Image: golf365.co.za

7. Ben Bernanke. When not reminiscing about his only business experience, waiting tables in a poncho at South of the Border in college, Chairman Bernanke succumbs to Stupid Cupid’s temptations to hurt the U.S. economy by harshly regulating banks and printing junk money.
   

   Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner confers with Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke before testifying about the AIG bonus scandal. Image: Matthew Cavanaugh/EPA

8. Rep. Nancy Pelosi. Rep. Pelosi is Stupid Cupid’s “Super Trophy” that makes the Saints’ “Who Dat? Super Bowl Trophy” pallor in comparison. Rumor has it that Stupid Cupid flies military jet-loads of Ghirardelli chocolate into Rep. Pelosi’s office. When she’s sufficiently high on sugar, she will agree to any of his crazy Congressional suggestions.
   

   Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) talk to the media at the White House. Image: Erika Dimmler/CNN.

If you are concerned that Stupid Cupid might hit you with his arrow this Valentine’s Day, know this: the aforementioned individuals hit by Stupid Cupid were by no means innocent victims. They asked for it. In 2010, love responsibly. Espouse conservative principles and don’t get hit by Stupid Cupid’s arrow.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 11th, 2010 at 1:59 am and is filed under Economy, Entertainment & Culture, Health Care, Humor, Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can trackback from your own site.