By Katie Kieffer
Mark your calendars! President Obama’s IRS has stomped on the tea party for too long. You’re invited to Barack Obama’s Ugly Sweater Party!
Democrats and the conventional media have been trying to dismiss the tea party—which they always fail to mention is not actually a political party but an All-American philosophy of freedom and respect for the U.S. Constitution. Obama and his math whiz coadjutors like Lois Lerner have gone so far as to use the IRS to block decent, law-abiding Americans who embrace the tea party philosophy from forming patriotic, educational non-profits.
It’s time to give Obama a taste of his own medicine. In the spirit of the holidays, I’ll add a spoonful of good humor and help the medicine go down! Here’s the official (imaginary) guest list of Obama’s Ugly Sweater Party—along with a playful description of each guest’s party clothes:
Sen. Dianne Feinstein: Ms. Feinstein will attend wearing a red sweater embroidered with the most annoying line from the mother in the classic movie, A Christmas Story, who did not want her son to have a Red Rider BB gun: “YOU’LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT!”
(Hopefully Santa will take away Ms. Feinstein’s gun this Christmas, and replace it with a lump of coal and a note that says: Dear Dianne, this coal is for all of your efforts to fight Americans’ natural, God-given right to bear arms. Plus, I needed to seize your gun because I was concerned that you might shoot your eye out. P.S. Next year, leave me a few cookies and a glass of milk!)
Vice President Joe Biden: Mr. Biden will attend wearing a forest green sweater bedazzled with a bunch of mistletoe and the words: “IT’S A BIG F-ING DEAL: I’M A HUGGER.” (Biden is still beaming over a June 11, 2012 TIME magazine article that called him Obama’s “not-so-secret weapon” because of his “bear-hugging, pain-feeling, [and] close-talking.”)
Attorney General Eric Holder: Mr. Holder will show up wearing a silvery sweater decorated with cotton balls in the shape of a snowman. Above the snowman will be the words: “FROSTY THE SUEMAN,” in honor of Holder’s penchant for probing investigative journalists who dare to question the Obama administration; suing states like Arizona for enforcing federal immigration law; and, for allowing the DOJ to bring ridiculous lawsuits against Apple and twist the words of its capitalist founder Steve Jobs (after Jobs is dead).
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke: Mr. Bernanke will attend in a lime green sweater featuring an image of Dr. Seuss’s notorious character, “The Grinch,” and the words: “THE GRINCH WHO STOLE THE DOLLAR.” By recklessly printing money with his quantitative easing (QE) bond-buying binge, Bernanke is taking the risk of setting us up for another bubble of economic trouble.
President Barack Obama: Mr. Obama will attend wearing a blue sweater with an image of a reindeer running over the Affordable Care Act and the words: “OBAMACARE GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER!” (He’s tried to shake off his broken promises by saying he got: “burned already with a website”… he’s running out of new excuses!)
Your sweater: If you want to up-stage the other guests on the list, here is the perfect (non-ugly) sweater for you to wear: a gold sweater embroidered with the inspirational pro-First Amendment words from Buddy the Elf: “The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.”
Well, I can’t wait to see you at the party. Don’t be late!