By Katie Kieffer

British models. Image by Tim Walker for British Vogue.

Across the pond, the ministers of the Crown have a competition going on. A competition with the U.S. Congress. It appears that Westminster is downright determined to show Washington that it can grow government faster.

Her Majesty’s government appears to be a bit threatened by the way American politicians are acting like aristocrats. Keen on maintaining its reputation as the most proper “modern monarchy,” the British government has decided to go off its trolley in a mad attempt to expand its power over citizens.

The Brits are reminding wannabe aristocrats like Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Harry Reid who the real aristocrats are by bringing the power of government into the realms of fun and vanity. While American politicians try to control health care and the environment, the British, who have already regulated these “fundamentals,” are hastily taking steps to regulate the frivolous.

Don’t hit me with that pint glass!

Count on an aristocrat to come up with a cosmetic solution to Britain’s binge-drinking culture. The land of starched Buckingham Palace guards is deft at creating an image of control and perfection. This month, the British government revealed that it had designed two new shatterproof glasses for pub drinkers. Government officials praised their investment of time and research in developing these new glasses as a way to save billions in health care costs from glasses that couldn’t “double as a lethal weapon,” the Associated Press reports.

British Home Secretary Alan Johnson showcases prototype shatterproof pint glasses. AP Photo/PA, Stefan Rousseau

According to the British government, “‘glassing’ attacks cost the National Health Service roughly $4.3 billion per year.”  Unfortunately, the government seems more concerned with aesthetics than with actually saving money on health care or ending pub violence:

Consider that the British government would not even consider advocating economical plastic pint glasses because the look and feel would not appeal to drinkers, admitted the government’s design squad creative director, Matt Cotterill, of Bridge Design. Consider also that the new rock-solid pint glasses could still be used as deathly weapons to knock out fellow pub patrons – without having to contend with glass shards flying up in your own face during the act.

Elephant's Head Pub in Camden, North London.

Creating shatterproof glasses almost seems like a way to enable rowdy pub crawlers to see what they can do with the new glasses. When Brits get rat arsed, they are still going to be inclined to violence. If they can’t use their pint glass, they’ll use their plate, chair, purse, or cell phone. Should the government encourage bars to strip patrons of all belongings at the door, bubble-wrap counters, and replace high-top stools with bean bag chairs to eliminate pub violence?

Government-sponsored shatterproof glasses are a waste of taxpayer dollars and a step toward insanity. The government has better things to do than design glasses that won’t break in the hands of drunken sailors.

Britain’s Design Council chief, David Kester, maintains that “We are launching the redesign of a British classic, the pint glass. We tried to find ways to make life better while saving money. We’re a creative nation.” Leave the creativity to private small businesses, Britain. You will save money and free up time to focus on core government functions.

There’s no way she can be that hot

Apparently, flawless models are a menace to society. If you gaze upon too many airbrushed models in magazine ads, you may be duped to believe that these people are physically flawless. And, this belief will cause you undue distress. Apparently, a mistakenly over-altered Ralph Lauren image, like the one below, causes disproportionate psychological distress in young women, say the Brits.

Problems to such a proposal include:

1. How do you enforce this? What are the limits? Will advertisers be forced to include a disclaimer for minor alterations like crops or lightening the sky behind a model?
2. How detailed does the disclaimer need to be? Anyone familiar with Adobe Photoshop knows that there could be hundreds of changes made to a single photograph before it is published, so the disclaimers themselves could be pages long. Are we going to start seeing ads for clothing and makeup that have two-page disclaimers similar to ads for drugs to treat depression?
3. Advertisers will find ways to avoid posting disclaimers on their ads, such as using models that do not require airbrushing, as London-area fashion photographer, Paul Cable, warned. Models will be forced to take even more drastic dieting and plastic surgery measures to compete in the industry.
4. Just in case you still think this British proposal has an ounce of credibility to it, consider that this study was authored by “psychologist and media personality Linda Papadopoulos, (who) said that “when girls evaluate themselves against unrealistic airbrushed images it cultivates a feeling of falling short, of not being ‘good enough.’ She recommended that ratings should be affixed to such images to make clear if and how models had been altered.” So, yes, if this proposal passes, Brits will see two-page disclaimers attached to a simple ad showing a model wearing a Ralph Lauren sundress.

   Let me introduce you to Dr. Papadopoulos herself, star of the UK documentary, My Big Breasts and Me, who you can see has it all “together” when it comes to class and fashion (see below). Let’s learn from this aristocratic nonsense and demand election reform, limited government, free market principles and adherence to the Constitution from our U.S. elected officials. We do not want to give up our freedom to live in a regulated cocoon like our European neighbors.

   

   Dr. Linda Papadopoulos. Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images.