Feb
11
Stupid Cupid’s trophy case
By Katie Kieffer
Angels from Raphael's Sistine Madonna.
Italian prodigy, Raphael, once painted two angels in the Sistine Chapel. This angelic pair has celebrity status if you consider how often they are photographed by the art world’s paparazzi of art connoisseurs and entrepreneurs. Political historians like myself surmise that these cherubs are also known as “Stupid Cupid” and “Smart Cupid.” Ideally, you want to be hit by Smart Cupid on Valentine’s Day. This will be difficult, since Stupid Cupid had a red hot 2009.
If there are trophies for bad romance, then Stupid Cupid has a shelf full of hardware. I’m proud to announce that I discovered Stupid Cupid’s top eight trophies, or victories, from 2009. I’ve mentioned them all on my blog before, and I thought you might like me to line them up neatly in the trophy case for you to see:
- Sheldon Adelson. His reckless lust to build luxurious, Vegas Strip-style real estate – without regard for the market – overwhelmed his common sense and destroyed his massive fortune. He’s a mini mirror of Washington’s impetuous spending that has driven the U.S. into recession.
Sheldon Adelson. Getty Images.
- Sen. Ben Nelson. Sen. Nelson was a sucker for sweet-talker, Stupid Cupid, when he appeared in the form of a big-time health care bribe from Washington.
Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE). Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images
- Michael Moore. You’ll remember that the Kieffer Sisters busted Moore hypocritically drooling over capitalism. In 2009, Stupid Cupid lit Moore’s fire for a capitalism-bashing blockbuster, so Moore hides his current love affair with capitalism from his liberal fans. No more invitations to my New Year’s Eve parties, Moore, until you become transparent and admit that capitalism made you successful.
Michael Moore unveils 'Capitalism' at the Venice Film Festival, 2009. Getty Images.
- Dan Rooney. Stupid Cupid threw Rooney a pass and Rooney ran for a touchdown, scoring Presidential photo ops, the Ambassadorship to Ireland and free political advertising in return for throwing NFL owners, coaching applicants and fans under the bus.
Steelers' owner Dan Rooney Sr. walks with President Obama during 2008 campaign. Image: Andy Starnes/Post-Gazette.
- Terry O’Neill. Ms. O’Neill presides over the not-so-secret society of bitter women, NOW, so she was quick to take the bait when Stupid Cupid suggested she declare Tim Tebow’s courageous Super Bowl ad a promotion of “violence against women.”
NOW President, Terry O'Neill. Image credit: feministleadershipnow.com.
- Tiger Woods. Apparently Stupid Cupid whispered, “Trophy wife, trophy life!” into Woods’ ear so often that it literally went to his head. Woods began to think he could develop a feline’s multitudinous life span by adding more trophy women to his life.
Tiger Woods smiles with Australian Masters trophy. Image: golf365.co.za
- Ben Bernanke. When not reminiscing about his only business experience, waiting tables in a poncho at South of the Border in college, Chairman Bernanke succumbs to Stupid Cupid’s temptations to hurt the U.S. economy by harshly regulating banks and printing junk money.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner confers with Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke before testifying about the AIG bonus scandal. Image: Matthew Cavanaugh/EPA
- Rep. Nancy Pelosi. Rep. Pelosi is Stupid Cupid’s “Super Trophy” that makes the Saints’ “Who Dat? Super Bowl Trophy” pallor in comparison. Rumor has it that Stupid Cupid flies military jet-loads of Ghirardelli chocolate into Rep. Pelosi’s office. When she’s sufficiently high on sugar, she will agree to any of his crazy Congressional suggestions.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) talk to the media at the White House. Image: Erika Dimmler/CNN.
If you are concerned that Stupid Cupid might hit you with his arrow this Valentine’s Day, know this: the aforementioned individuals hit by Stupid Cupid were by no means innocent victims. They asked for it. In 2010, love responsibly. Espouse conservative principles and don’t get hit by Stupid Cupid’s arrow.
Feb
03
Liberals, ride in my Ferrari!
By Katie Kieffer
Anti-business liberals, come jump in my Ferrari! I’ll take you for the ride of your life. Please bring your motion sickness bags. You will become nauseous during this ride.
Yes, it’s a nice car and, yes, I’m a good driver. But, when I drive, I blast one song over and over again: “Main Street Loves Wall Street.” You may be my guest, but I pick the tunes.
I know you really want to ride in my car – not because you like my politics – but because it’s such a hot car. It’s irresistible. But, be warned, this song is about how Wall Street is an unsung hero in America. I wrote it. I belt it. I bump it.
You still want to ride with me? OK. Fine. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. And, whatever you do, please do NOT throw up on my upholstery or you’ll be sitting by the side of the road faster than you can say “Prius.”
Seat-belts everyone? We’re off! Time to sing along with me in my Ferrari!
Lyrics for “Main Street Loves Wall Street”
Hang on liberals, don’t pull out your hair
I hear Main Street’s got a thing for bulls and bears
Wall Street brings jobs to the working class
But bonuses restricted, tied up in stock, the white collars can’t afford
Doormen and waiters and taxi-drivers en masse
Fine restaurant owners are wringing their hands as they fail to reap
Profits from bankers who once splurged on $2K corks and high roller steaks
Wall Street gets beat up by politicians who invented Ben Nelson Bribery
While Wall Street keeps Main Street in business Monday through Friday
The public lacks sympathy for stressed workers at Jersey Ferrari
But that’s ’cause the media won’t tell us
How many supercar jobs are in peril when the shady Pay Czar is a-roaming
I’m tired of politicians messing with the markets and then blaming our bankers
Clinton-era policies set up real estate and finance pros for unscrupulous failure
Grow up, Washington
We’re losing top talent and jobs overseas thanks to your hatred for profit
Leave Wall Street alone
‘Cause things were better when Reagan let the free markets roam
Thanks for riding with me! Please join me again soon.
Ferrari images 1 and 2: Oliver Walston / lussoluxury.com
Feb
01
Michael the Gold Digger
By Katie Kieffer
Image credit: gettingpersonal.co.uk
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and everyone wants to talk about love.
This weekend, my sister, Amie, and I were out at a local bar and we overheard a group of young guys discussing the covert relationship of another bar patron, Michael Moore. I was disappointed to hear that Moore was still sneaking around after he nearly publicly professed his love for capitalism at my New Year’s Eve party. I didn’t want to catch Moore’s attention by taking a photo, so Amie used her ever-present mini sketch pad to draw what we witnessed (see below).
Art copyright Amie Kieffer 2010. All rights reserved.
I have no issue with Moore having a crush on cash. In fact, I too find money alluring. The difference is that I’m open about my love for capitalism and Moore is not. Moore profits from capitalism while pretending to be a pauper who champions for the little guy.
Fortune Magazine recently reported that Moore’s films have grossed over $300 million worldwide. Moore told CNSNews.com that, ‘capitalism did nothing for me.’ In 2008, he condemned the use of Michigan taxpayer money to help the projects of big-name media moguls like ‘Rupert Murdoch’ (whereas most Americans have never even heard of “Michael Moore”).
Then, last week, the Mackinac Center for Public Policy reported that Moore asked the state-run Michigan Film Office – and it obeyed - to reward him an undisclosed taxpayer subsidy for his valiant efforts in producing Capitalism: A Love Story. Apparently, a $50 million dollar pauper like Moore feels he is entitled to taxpayer money – while the state of Michigan suffers from the worst unemployment rate in the nation.
I would love to see Moore openly profess his love for money instead of pretending to be fighting “with and for” the little guy. Moore pops gourmet pigs in blankets to celebrate Capitalism while his Michigan fans support his dynasty by paying their taxes.
Jan
26
Kieffer Twins Debate: Is ‘capitalism’ a swear word?
By Katie Kieffer
The college football season and the Minnesota Vikings brought me excitement galore this year – including a friendly debate with my roommate and identical “twin” sister, Blair. She and I did not have much in common (beyond our appearance) until we had this debate one Saturday afternoon. Hopefully you will enjoy watching this video of the Kieffer Twins locking horns over the true meaning of the word “capitalism.”
Photography & Videography by Jeff Allen. Copyright Katie Kieffer.
Dec
30
Gimme Moore, Gimme Moore
Part 3 of 3
By Katie Kieffer
Image credit: johnmariani.com
A clever way to convert a liberal is to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar and then make him think it was his idea to pull it out. This was my approach to wooing Michael Moore to the right and also serving world-class cuisine to my New Year’s Eve guests.
Michael Moore’s physique sends the message that he’s a man who knows a thing or two about food. That’s why I asked him to be the chef for the gastropub within my New Year’s Eve party. At first, he balked, saying, “Katie, your address is 1776 Capitalist Curve! My fans would pronounce anathema on me if I graced your doorway!”
I responded, “Michael, I can appreciate your concerns. I’ll let you sleep on it. Why don’t you meet me tomorrow morning for breakfast and we can chat about menu ideas? I know of a little hole-in-the wall place where the paparazzi never goes. Plus, they serve the most delicious pigs in blankets.” (I knew from Michael Moore’s penthouse celebration of his film, Capitalism, A Love Story, that he loves pigs in blankets – and he eats them by the tray.). That was all I needed to say. Moore stammered, “Pigs in blankets? No paparazzi? I’ll see you there, KT.”
While it was fairly easy to get Moore to show up for breakfast, converting him to capitalism required more intellectual skill. I ordered a large triple expresso and prepared for a rigorous debate.
Michael Moore. Image credit: moonbattery.com
Moore: Mmmmm. You were right, Katie. These pigs in blankets are out of this world! Now, what were we going to talk about again, my movie? Have you seen it?
Katie: I’m here to ask you to be my chef at my famous New Year’s Eve Party. We’re discussing the menu. It’s you or Martha Stewart. You wouldn’t want a capitalist tycoon like Stewart to up you in the kitchen, now would you?
Moore: What’s in this for me? In one sentence tell me why I should do this.
Katie: Because I’m giving you access to an untapped market for your brand, Michael: My friends – mostly conservative and all connected.
Moore: Well, IF I did this, I would want to cook “socialist sliders” for your guests.
Katie: Sliders are a good idea! The only challenge with calling them “socialist sliders” is that sliders are served individually. Everyone “owns” their burger. So, technically – to make “socialist” appetizers – you’d make one gigantic slider and everyone would have to share it.
Moore: Wonderful! Sharing is a good thing!
Katie: Sharing is a good idea in the sandbox, but not always in the real world.
- If guests have to share the slider, then, shouldn’t they be “pure” socialists and share all the appetizers? But, that would mean you couldn’t have your individual tray of pigs in blankets like you did at your Capitalism, A Love Story party this September in Manhattan.
- Sharing food is unsanitary. Furthermore, the World Health Organization just announced that H1N1 lingers and should be monitored for another six to twelve months.
- If everyone is sharing one burger, people will get mad because they won’t get to choose their own toppings. Some people hate pickles or mushrooms or tomatoes. Others are allergic to cheese. It’s better to give them their own individual burgers and a boatload of toppings to choose from. They’ll be in a better mood and more receptive to hearing your socialist ideas.
Moore: I can’t argue with any of what you just said. No way is anyone taking the mayo off my burger!
Katie: I will give you this: You can put your sign, “Capitalism did this!,” on top of each of the sliders. Get your assistant to print off mini signs and attach them to toothpicks…Talk about free marketing!
Image credit: michaelmoore.com
Moore: Wow, Katie, I can’t believe you’re letting me advertise to your friends like this.
Katie: Well, really, you’re just advertising for the benefits of capitalism, so I’m totally fine with it. You could never put that sign on your “socialist slider,” which no one would want to eat anyway.
Moore: “Uh, I’ll have to hear the rest later, Katie…” (as he intently stuffed the last blanketed piggy in his mouth and made a cell phone call to his assistant). “Hey, Eleanor! Yeah, so I’m going to need you to make about 500 mini “Capitalism did this!” signs and affix them to toothpicks. … Thanks, I love you. You’re the best!”
Katie (thinking to myself): Capitalist sliders served by the Supreme Hater of Capitalism himself at my New Year’s Eve party! Britney Spears will be singing “Gimme Moore, Gimme Moore” after she tastes these whoppers!
Visualize Britney Spears enjoying one of Moore's capitalist sliders on NYE. Image credit: theradreport.com
Dec
28
Free* champagne for liberals
Part 1 of 3
By Katie Kieffer
I am hosting the biggest New Year’s party of the year. I want all my friends to come and you are invited. Here are the details:
What: A New Year’s Party to Celebrate America
When: 9:00 p.m., Dec. 31, 2009 – 11:00 a.m., Jan. 1, 2010
Where: 1776 Capitalist Curve, Katieville, USA 01234
Entertainment:
- Mixologist: Ben Bernanke (stay tuned)
- Gastropub Chef: Michael Moore (stay tuned)
- Helicopter Rides: Gisele Bündchen (fly at your own risk)
- D.J. and Dance Floor Leader: Fully-costumed RiRi and Katie Couric, respectively.
Cover Charge: Pass my Econoquiz by at least 80% at the door (see below).
Any liberal who wishes to challenge my conservative economics to a good-natured debate is welcome to try. Anyone who can hose my arguments will win a year’s supply of champagne from the vineyards of Katieville. So, come prepared to back up your answers as my 11 fact-checkers (borrowed from Sarah Palin’s AP paparazzi) will be on-hand to judge the validity of your statements.
Liberals will love this party – FREE STUFF GALORE (courtesy of yours truly) – all for knowing a little bit of economics!
Dress code: Comfortably celebratory.
Come tastefully dressed as you feel most ready to party – whether it’s in formal wear or a banker’s Snuggie™.
I’ll get the cab fare, cutie!
Nancy Pelosi (reportedly) doesn’t drink, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t have fun! I’ve arranged for extra beds to be made up in my crib, so no one has to be the DD on New Year’s Eve.
I’ll serve a delightful breakfast of mimosas, omelets and chocolate-chip streusel coffee cake on the first morning of 2010. I ordered the coffee cake from the same bakery that kept Hilary’s kitchen running while she was busy stumping – Café Le Pouvoir. Diaboliquement délicieux!
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader and KT?
It’s hard to keep secrets this exciting, so over the next few days I will be sharing some sneak peaks into what you can expect for New Year’s Eve! I’ll also give you the knowledge you need to pass my Econoquiz entry fee.
Why you should celebrate America with me:
If you’re an American, like me, you have a lot to be thankful for. You enjoy more freedom and individual choice than any other person your age in the world. We are blessed and we need to celebrate so that we are energized to safeguard our freedom in the years ahead. Let’s dance, debate and imbibe away the last night of 2009!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Party like a rock, party like a rock star! Totally dude!
Image credit: http://bit.ly/jVdkx
Dec
21
5 funny last minute gift ideas
By Katie Kieffer
Image credit: http://bit.ly/5Qc75O
Seriously, who has all their Christmas shopping done? That’s right, no one. So, here are some humorous last-minute holiday gift ideas for everyone on your list:
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For the liberal on your list:
Custom-design a T-shirt that says “I voted for Obama…” on the front and “Now I have buyer’s remorse” on the back. Pack the T-shirt, along with a box of Kleenex®, in a festive gift bag.
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For the conservative on your list:
SimCity™ Congress. Allow your conservative friend to create his or her own reformed version of Capitol Hill with this fun video game where they decide who’s more capable of running our country than the Pelosi-Reid-Emanuel Control Entourage. Game available exclusively through the North Pole.
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For the beach bum golddigger on your list:
An inflatable dollar bill water raft. Let your friend, whose middle name is F-U-N, laugh in the face of an inflating dollar with this toy. The beach is no place for depression or recession!
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For the flirt on your list:
iTigerResponse. This iPhone application, also available exclusively through the North Pole, sends an automatic response such as “You’re dumped,” “We’re history,” or “Don’t ever text me again!” to anyone who sexts your flirty friend. A great gift for a boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse that you want to keep tabs on.
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For the Al Gore-Lover/Man-Made-Global-Warming-Believer on your list:
Nothing. Gently explain to your friend that you’re going paperless and presentless this Christmas to respect their subscription to Al Gore’s fake science and belief that capitalists (the people who create industrialized goods, i.e. gifts) are fiends “raping and pillaging the environment for profit” (quote – Sean Hannity). Given the current recession, your credit card will be in good shape if you have lots of these people on your list.
Gift wrap and trimmings:
Add an extra laugh to your gifts – and save money on wrapping paper – by creating your own:
- Use a large-format printer to create enlarged copies of the United States Constitution. After wrapping your present, attach a tag that says, “To: (your friend), From: Sen. Harry Reid. I couldn’t think of anything else to do with this stone-age document! I hope you appreciate my recycling efforts! Merry Christmas.”
Dec
02
In Palin’s ring, Pacquiao style
By Katie Kieffer
Image credit: http://tinyurl.com/yle7ape
I’ve decided to give a fresh perspective on the energetic wave called Sarah Palin that’s sweeping our country by showcasing the opinions of her loudest bashers, haters and tomato-tossers. I think letting elite liberals speak for themselves has two benefits:
1.) Their criticisms are quite humorous and often do more harm than good to their own agendas.
2.) Hidden within their emotional, bitter criticisms are occasional “gems.” These are points that are worthy of consideration and debate.
Image credit: http://tinyurl.com/yh2pvsk
So, let me throw on my Everlast track suit and boxing gloves. Ding-ding-ding! Here are two of the best left jabs on Sarah Palin and my right hook responses:
Left Jab #1:
“Her career has become a vehicle through which the right-wing evangelical movement feels it can express its deepest identity … Palin is perceived by its leaders – and followers – not as another cynical politician or self-promoting celebrity, but as a kind of magical helper, the God-fearing glamour girl who parachuted into their backwater towns to lift them from the drudgery of daily life, assuring them that they represented the ‘real America.’” –Max Blumenthal in the Los Angeles Times on Nov. 15, 2009
Katie’s Right Hook:
This quote is elitist. You could essentially take the name “Palin” out of Blumenthal’s statement and replace it with the last name of a well-known minister – or an influential executive director of a non-profit. Blumenthal implies that anyone who relates to every-day Americans at their level is crazy.
Plus, Palin is clearly promoting herself by using the same language as ordinary people. Instead, she should subscribe to “liberal humility” and:
- Speak the language of an elitist. Don’t lie to the people and pretend to be one of them. That is a vice! Palin should be up-front and honest about her “obvious” ambitions for power and control.
- Never – under any circumstance – should Palin align herself with silly notions like God or Christianity. Those are pillars of sand. Instead, Palin should wrap herself and her followers in the protective mantels of Scientology and cosmetology. Those worked well for Tom Cruise and the late Michael Jackson, right? Ideally, Cruise would run for President in 2012 and Palin could be his Whitehouse maid – in charge of dusting his couches following sporadic jumping episodes.
Image credit: http://tinyurl.com/cx8gah
I know America is tired of elitist liberals like Blumenthal who express their hatred for Sarah Palin’s ability to relate to Joe Lunchbucket. 71 percent of Americans are angry with the Federal Government (currently run by liberals), reports the latest Rasmussen poll.
Still, elite liberals like Blumenthal think that politicians should be detached from and above the people – not one of them. Liberal elitists want power. The Palins of the world want to lead without forming a kingdom of serfs beneath them. Call it “magical” if you’d like, Max, but I think this sounds more like the “free” and “equal” America we signed up for under the Constitution.
Left Jab #2:
“It’s wonderful, I went looking for her book and I found it in the fantasy aisle. With Sarah you get the feeling that in high school she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one. You look at her and wonder ‘Where did they find her, Project Running Mate?’” – Robin Williams on the David Letterman Show, Nov. 23, 2009
Katie’s Right Hook:
Fantasy aisle? It sounds like Robin Williams shops at the “Hollywood Hills Disheveled Used Book Swap.” Was he wearing his favorite Star Wars mask to protect himself from any Palin-droids that might jump out an attack him as he read her book? And, what high school holds a contest for “Most Likely to Burn a Book” unless it’s Troll High?
The facts speak for themselves. Not only did Palin write (not burn) a Number One New York Times Bestseller, but now she will star in a children’s book by Katharine DeBrecht showcasing the value of capitalism and entrepreneurship.
One word sums up this little spoof by Williams: Disturbing – like many of the characters he plays. Aristotle – considered one of the greatest thinkers of all time – says: “Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way… you become just by performing just actions, temperate by performing temperate actions, brave by performing brave actions.” Thus, it’s no surprise that Williams is capable of eloquently painting Palin as a fruitcake – disturbia is near and dear to his heart as an actor.
I’ve taken out enough elite psychosis for one day. Undoubtedly there will be more challenges to come. For now, my protein shake is calling.
Nov
30
Lighthearted Christmas video
The importance of capitalism for job creation:
I created this short video as a way to emphasize that capitalism is the best way for America to create jobs, and, consequently, give people what they really want for Christmas this year.
I hope you enjoy it.
