12 Liberal Pledges for 2013

By Katie Kieffer

champagne bottles

Image credit: “bottles of champagne” by sculpture grrrl on Flickr via Creative Commons.

Here are twelve comical but true resolutions that every liberal should make for 2013:

1.) Resolve to spend time with gun-owners. I have a liberal friend who says she would rather be in the same room as a cobra snake than a gun, even an unloaded gun. Guns really, really scare her. But guns don’t kill. People kill. Whether the tool is a gun or a knife or a baseball bat, unconscionable people kill, not the inanimate objects in their hands.

Banning all tools and machinery will not turn bad people into good people. Doing so would make us more vulnerable to attack and throw us back into the Stone Age. We need guns for self-defense; we need knives for cutting; we need bats to play baseball.

Whose house would you rather stay at in a shady neighborhood?  A gun-owner’s house, where you can rest assured that there is a tool locked up in a safe that someone knows how to use to protect you if an intruder comes in the middle of the night? Or, a house without a gun?

By spending time around gun-owners, I think liberals will realize that owning a gun, a knife or a baseball bat will not turn you into a mass murderer. But a sick conscience or a mental illness can.

David Nathan, a doctoral candidate in counseling psychology at the University of Saint Thomas, points out: “No one has the power to keep guns away from everyone who would use them on innocent people. …Every single young man who committed mass murder over the past few years had a mental illness. We will never know what would have happened if someone had reached out to them [with counseling or friendship] before they acted.”

I think liberals will realize that guns are tools of self-defense and that banning guns will not eliminate murder when they get comfortable around guns and the people who legally possess them.

2.) Resolve to stop watching Rachel Maddow. Her negative attitude is ruining your day and you do not even realize it. At a minimum, admit that her show is rooted in hyperbole and not real news.

3.) Resolve to eat a real hamburger. Just one. If you prefer, choose a burger from free-range cattle. I guarantee it won’t kill you; it will leave you feeling full for once.

4.) Resolve to admit that the TSA scanners are carcinogenic. You attend to your body with bike helmets, yoga and organic produce. And then you negate your efforts by walking through the TSA scanners. Admit it: scanners are not keeping you safe and they are a hazard to your health.

5.) Resolve to buy property. I don’t care if all you can afford is a plot the size of a doghouse. Buy some land and hold it. Experience ownership first-hand and you will finally get upset when the federal government tries to violate your Fourth Amendment rights through the use of domestic drones.

6.) Resolve to travel to Europe. You’ll realize that public transportation is not all it’s cracked up to be. When you return home, you will have a new appreciation for wide, open spaces and the freedom to drive cars bigger than a Power Wheels Barbie Jammin’ Jeep Wrangler.

7.) (For liberal ladies) Resolve to let a guy open a door for you. Accepting this small act of chivalry is actually empowering—not demeaning—because it shows that you appreciate respect from males.

8.) (For liberal guys) Resolve to be a man. Enough said.

9.) Resolve to protest a stupid rule. Men are imperfect and therefore human laws are not inherently good; the United States has many laws on the books that violate natural law. Only God can make perfect rules. So, before you blindly follow a federal law, ask yourself: “Will I be doing the right thing by following this rule?” If your answer is “no,” protest the rule because it is probably immoral.

10.) Resolve to save endangered babies. Stop fretting about endangered animals in a rainforest thousands of miles away and realize that babies are endangered in your own back yard. Stop supporting federal funds for Planned Parenthood; encourage your friends to respect life.

11.) Resolve to tell President Obama to bring the troops home. If you hate war so much, why don’t you pressure Obama to pull the troops out of the Middle East?

12.) Resolve to read the Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson. Jobs is your hero; you love Apple products; and you wouldn’t think of attending an Occupy Wall Street Protest without your iPad. But Jobs was a capitalist. He despised collectivism (see page 39) and he wanted politicians to reduce taxes and regulations and stop pushing the false notion that everyone needs a four-year college degree (see pages 544-546).

Happy 2013 to liberals one and all!

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  1. Marie Frances says:

    Hey Katie, I heard you on the Late Debate AM 1130 tonight. You did a great job!

  2. Kris says:

    Awesome post! You are wise beyond your years.

  3. freshwaterdrum says:

    I wanted Bush to bring the troops home. Glad you're finally on board. And as far as Dr. Maddow is concerned, Turning her into Bill O Reilly falls on deaf ears. So, don't join the dinosaurs, take charge! You have a unique opportunity to shape the debate. Your party and your country need you! Best of luck!


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